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Joke of the Day

"[interview] ""Where you see yourself in 5 years?"" Doing your job. ""And me?"" Jobless and upset about the divorce ""OMG"" *runs out crying*"

"Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person."

"Did you hear about the guy who wears as many watches as he can, while trying to collect every type? He has way too much time on his hands."

"What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu? One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!"

"I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him"

"I'm just not convinced that banning the sale of sentient death robots decreases deaths. The research just isn't there."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bridget ! Bridget who ? London Bridget is falling down falling down... !"

"*bakes 12 cookies* *waits for family to come home* *eats 12* *family arrives* 5 year old: ""I SMELL COOKIES!"" ""Weird! Here's a salad."""

"Question: Why do men always give their penis a name? Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent of their decisions for them."

"How do you keep a retard in anticipation?"