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Joke of the Day

"yes ladies i have a black belt. its a black leather belt from Marshalls. [i flinch as a bird flys by] you girls wanna get some lunch?"

"Don't ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone's funeral in a casket, then so be it."

"Larry Page's note to himself when wife mentions she wants motorola, she means phone."

"I heard it's impossible to ban Tank tops in the US... Something about the right to bare arms..."

"What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle."

"ME:*lying*omg i have an identical twin too DATE:wow we should all meet up [cut to us at a house of mirrors] DATE: your brother is quiet"

"I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend. I'm constantly treading on eggshells. Which she also doesn't approve of."

"Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It's for birth control. Me: I didn't even know an arm could get pregnant."

"What makes the Japanese better than Al Qaeda? At least the Japanese were considerate enough to bring their own planes"

"How many perverts does it take to insert a light bulb? Only one; However, it takes an entire emergency ward to get it back out again."