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Joke of the Day

"[tearing off our clothes] Her: I want you. Take off your shoes. *kicks flip-flop through her TV*"

"Kim Kardashian getting 6 million dollars stolen is a lot like if I got the condom that's been in my wallet since I was 12 stolen... Am I gonna miss it? Yeah. Was I gonna use it? No."

"Whenever I read the phrase ""We've changed our privacy policy,"" I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet."

"Finally some good news for the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. Their luggage has landed safely in Manchester."

"It's difficult to imagine someone stealing your Viagra prescription. . . But really it wouldn't be hard."

"A good book is like a good puppy. Easy to pick up but hard to put down."

"We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas."

"What do you call an NBA Superstar who's first job was stocking milk? *Legen-dairy*"

"I am going to tell my friends... That I will show up to their holloween party as Amelia Earhart...then not show up."

"married sext... him: I'll be home soon her: don't you threaten me"