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Joke of the Day

"If your phone rings during a movie, answer it ""Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!"" And then run head first through the screen."

"I hate when it rains cats and dogs.... I just stepped in a poodle."

"People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces. At least that's the impression that I get."

"Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There's no dental records and all the DNA matches"

"I measure how hard I'm working by whether I feel compelled to close my eyes and nap while sitting on the toilet."

"I went to my first Ethiopian electronic concert yesterday The DJ was MT Stomach"

"Him: I'm tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay. Me: Thanks. I'm tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot."

"My foot just fell asleep, I'm terrified that drunk white people will notice and start drawing moustaches and penis' on it. #ILoveYallReally"

"Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation. Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump."

"I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs."