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Joke of the Day

"I measure how hard I'm working by whether I feel compelled to close my eyes and nap while sitting on the toilet."

"Hey baby, you want to come back to my place? I do one hell of a Bill Cosby impression I'd love to show you"

"[to snake at news station] you can't do weather anymore ""ssswhy not?"" are we getting rain tomorrow? ""sssno"" do you see how that's confusing?"

"What phrase do prostitutes and mafia members both say? You lookin to get whacked?"

"A piece of ham Ham is ham. The end"

"Why did the lion get lost? Because jungle is massive"

"Why couldn't the melons get married? Because they can't elope."

"In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet."

"To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters."

"Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can't just eat one"