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Joke of the Day

"[art store] You do free framing? ""With any purchase"" Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife's fingerprints] you know what to do"

"don't always talk on the phone. But when I do, I walk around like an idiot and touch everything in sight."

"I went to my friend's new flat on the weekend for a party. He should have gotten something more 3 dimensional."

"They laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at them because they are all the same"""

"How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware issue."

"I really like that new Westworld show. But sex with robots makes me uncomfortable. Every time I try it - my nuts get pinched in her gearbox"

"After my most recent divorce, I'm now paying alimony to BOTH of my ex-wives... Owe for two."

"Why did the pasta chef take his car into the body shop? Cause it got al dente'd up!"

"Paris attack I beat the paris mission in mw3 today"

"DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this? *takes you out several times then acts distant*"