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Joke of the Day

"I've got my own lie detector at home. I call her ""honey"".....:)"

"I was texting my friend about why how I loved eating my family and pets. It was then that I learned of the importance of commas."

"My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not. Q: What type of bees make milk? A: BOO-Bees! And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times."

"Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy."

"Hits rock bottom. *adds Geologist to resume"

"Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other."

"When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently."

"How does Lord Voldemort like his pussy? (whisper) HHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY"

"You guys hear about the gay midget? ya, he finally came out of the cupboard."

"A cop stopped me & asked ""do you know why I followed you"" so I said ""cause my tweets are funny"" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail."