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Joke of the Day
"How does an eyelash, so soft and fine, turn into a cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?"
Next Joke
"How to beat depression: 1) Talk to someone 2) When that person says ""just cheer up,"" beat that person with a baseball bat."
"A guy finds a genie... He says ""I wish I was better at talking to women."" ""Poof!"" the genie says, ""You're gay!"""
"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt."
"You have tattoos and curves? *unbuttons pants* You're also batshit crazy? *takes off pants* You listen to Paramore? *puts on clothes*"
"Are you cold? (Yes) Then go sit in a corner, cause it's 90 degrees."
"(My 3 favorite things are) My 3 favorite things are chicken pot pie. Doesn't even have to be in that order."
"What do your sister and snow have in common? I plow both."
"Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you."
"I was once a man stuck in a woman's body. I'll never mistake superglue for lube again."