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Joke of the Day

"Five days of the week, my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park! "

"Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop."

"When the aliens land I refuse to be the one who explains why mannequins have no heads/arms/legs but do have noticeably erect nipples."

"What did the battered woman say once she finally realized she was no longer sexually attracted to her abusive husband? Beats the fuck out of me."

"- Are you excited sir? - Yes! I'm gonna feed whales & pet dolphins! - Sir, this flight is going to Finland - That's like Seaworld, right?"

"My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has ""other pedicures to do"" and doesn't ""speak English""."

"Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea"

"What is the coolest food on the planet? Burr-ito!"

"Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game."

"Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers."