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Joke of the Day

"Depresso; the feeling you get when you've run out of coffee."

"Your wife and your lawyer are drowning, you have a decision to make.... Fish or chicken for dinner?"

"He: How are you? Me: Thanks, but I'm too old for you He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov... Me: Just keep telling yourself that"

"My Grandfather never had a good reason to go fishing. He did it just for the halibut."

"[quietly opens a beer] Funeral Director: seriously?! Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]"

"Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn't ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?"

"They're giving away Marshawn Lynch jerseys at my local sports shop. But I think I'll pass"

"Man goes to a Doctor. ""Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts"" ""Does it burn?"" ""I don't know, I've never tried to set fire to it"""

"Does the carpet match the drapes? Nope, I've got hardwood."

"I will gladly eat anything I find in a fridge unless you put your name on it, in which case I will be full of guilt and shame when I eat it."