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Joke of the Day

"The 4 Stages of Going Out Drinking: 1. Why do I do this to myself 2. This isn't so bad 3. WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN 4. Why do I do this to myself"

"My dad is teaching me to be a hipster He told me to eat my food before its cool."

"Have you heard about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally."

"I just killed a man and his death is everywhere! (Ate a piece of toast and made some crumbs, dramatized for your entertainment *bow*)"

"Statistics say there's a gay guy in every group of friends. I think it's Tim... he's got a great ass."

"Man, speaking (in heavy Scottish accent) to policeman, ""But, officer, it said laddies on the door."""

"Recent studies have shown that people who have hands larger than their face is a sign of intelligence. Wait, crap, I need to be there in person for this to work."

"Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom."

"What do you call a penguin with a smoking problem? It's a puffin!"

"Saw a girl with three lip-ring piercings on the subway this morning. Took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain."