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Joke of the Day

"""There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU."" And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we're in public."

"If you make a new sex position, do you get to name it? If so, I'll call it The Laptop. Internet required, partner is not."

"I made half a cup of tea the other day... It was so nice I had two."

"A Spanish magician is at a party He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, ""uno, dos,"" POOF. He disappeared without a tres."

"1. Put ""Out of Order"" sign on a staircase. 2. Wait until someone says, ""Stairs can't be out of order!"" and uses them. 3. Release the bees."

"I'm proud of this groaner, even if it gets downvoted more than a duck winning an election."

"Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived."

"FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life WIFE: our wedding day ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same"

"Some guy jumped me in the alley...! Yeah he was so nice. My battery had run out because I left my lights on!"

"A blue man lives in a blue house, a red man lives in a red house, who lives in the white house? Donald Trump."