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Joke of the Day

"FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life WIFE: our wedding day ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same"

"[phone makes noise] [gets giddy about how popular I'm about to feel] Oh. It's an email about car insurance. [quietly dies a little inside]"

"The year is 2005. Hollaback Girl is playing. We find a table and discuss how we each decided on our MySpace top 8. Everyone is ok with this."

"What would Forest Gump's Password be? 1Forest1"

"Gonna get ""na na na na na na na na"" tattooed on my forearm. I'll tell girls it's Hey Jude and I'll tell dudes it's the Batman theme."

"Me: I got my first TOTD! It's exciting! Him: What's that? M: um, well, it's an imaginary trophy... H: well then I'm imaginary proud of you."

"Autocorrect changed ""panic attack"" to ""pancake attack"" and now I'm hysterical AND hungry."

"Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer."

"My neighbor named his dog ""Rolex""... He's a watch dog."

"What is Hitler's least favorite beverage? Juice."