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Joke of the Day

"If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I'm charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet."

"Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately."

"What's the difference between a porcupine and a Lamborghini? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine"

"Fresno. I want to live in Fresno, because it rhymes. Rhymes with what? Because I said so."

"My phone is crap. I put it into airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Worst transformer ever."

"[1st date] Her: so u play piano? Him: yep Her: is it hard? Him: that's pretty forward but yeah, as a rock Her: I meant playing piano Him: oh"

"My friends are like ""hey come camping with us this weekend"" & I'm like ""I can't, I have to get new friends"""

"And the genius told me ""Do you want a big dick or a good memory ?"" Ho ! What did I choose ? I don't remember."

"I thought I had an STD once... turned out it was just carpal tunnel."

"So many people have a messiah complex these days.... I'm like ""Jesus Christ!"""