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Joke of the Day

"Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day? Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy."

"Why couldn't the dwarves renew their lease on the Lonely Mountain? It failed the Smaug test."

"When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter..."

"Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? A: An offer you can't understand."

"Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes"

"A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. So the bear says to the rabbit: ""do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"" The rabbit says no. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit."

"[fans out the deck] Pick a card, any card.. Memorize it.. [hits you in the face with a shovel] KING OF SPADES! [walks off]"

"Why did the chicken cross the road... Because he wanted to say hello from the other side"

"I'm just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner"

"My son would've been 4 yo today Man 1: My son would've been 4 yo today Man 2: Oh, I'm sorry man. What happened? Man 1: I pulled out."