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Joke of the Day
"Why couldn't the dwarves renew their lease on the Lonely Mountain? It failed the Smaug test."
Next Joke
"You may think that a pirate's favorite letter is R But they actually love the C."
"[creation] GOD: Gather round creatures & I'll tell you what you'll eat ANTEATER: I'm SO excited! DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this"
"Ever tried eating a clock? It's time consuming."
"What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken. -not an original, just wanted to share."
"Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?"
"My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying. Onions was a great dog."
"My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago."
"My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more. Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!"
"Tummy REALLY hurts. I guess that's what I get for being extra careful of diseases! (Coating all foods/drinks in Purell)"