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Joke of the Day

"There was a professional hockey player that had to go to an away game, but he couldn't take his dog along with him. He got 2 minutes for boarding."

"When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed."

"What do Russians use to censor websites? The Inter-nyet."

"Love it how music can take you to another place . For example, One direction is playing in this restaurant so i'm going to a different one."

"My attitude changes in 5 seconds flat. From sweetheart to bitch. So I suggest you don't test that."

"Wanna hear an Ebola joke? You probably won't get it."

"[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read"

"NO...I don't ""make plans"" because plans suggest INTENT... ...which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions."

"I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit ""ignore caller"" on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?"

"I recommend everyone to go swimming with piranhas. It's a once in a lifetime experience."