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Joke of the Day

"Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat's paw] Ignore himhe'll never understand love."

"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay to see a lentil."

"As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself God these don't fit me very well"

"Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, ""That completes my order"" before they ask."

"I like my jokes like my coffee bland"

"I have 3 moods: - Skips every song on my iPod. - Lets the music play without interruption. - Plays the same song on repeat for days."

"My favorite moment of the day is deciding I'm not going to do anything productive. That moment is now."

"I'm really against picketing. I just don't know how to show it."

"I'd like Twitter to suggest: Since you've just unfollowed that loser, how about you get rid of some more fucking deadwood, like ......"

"What did the penguin say to the polar bear? Nothing, penguins live in the south pole and polar bears live in the north pole. TROLOLOLOL"