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Joke of the Day

"I just typed ""married"" and it came out ""martyred"". Damn smart phone is becoming self aware."

"[train station] Man: hey you. Woman: Hi. M: i'm Christian. W: That's a pickup line? *rolls eyes, walks away M: ugh. i hate my name."

"if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost"

"ppl: are u sick? me: no, im just ugly"

"What's the difference between an intern and bird shit? No one intentionally steps on bird shit."

"Why are blind people bad at math? Because they lack da-vision."

"I hope the new Royal baby girl doesn't follow in her grandmother's tire tracks ."

"The older I get, the earlier it gets late."

"A blonde said, ""I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."" "

"accountant: ""youre basically broke"" wife: ""he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"" me: ""lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"""