66125

Joke of the Day

"[shark tank] ""Hi, what's your product idea?"" Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I'm here to see the tank of sh-... I've made a mistake"

"*wife comes out in a robe* I'm hiding your present Yes it's wrapped Nooo, it's not in the fridge [5 minutes later] IT'S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!"

"Today I don't feel like doing anything. Except you"

"im a fruad. i wear the wrangler jeans despite never having wrangled a single goddamn thing in my life"

"Harry Potter Pickup line. Hey babe are you parseltongued cause my snake wants to communicate!"

"People are always mistaking things I say as racist. The other day, this guy thought I called him a 'sand nigger.' But what I said was, 'get out of the sand, nigger. Volleyball is a white man's sport.'"

"I farted in my wallet now i have gas money."

"Waiter my lunch is talking to me ! Well you did ask for a tongue sandwich !"

"Has anyone out there tried ""Starbucks"" coffee? It's really good. I think that they have a location in LA."

"Joke's on you skinny people, my iPad fits just fine in my back pocket."