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Joke of the Day

"Do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his Trans-Atlantic crossings? Because he was quartered on the port side."

"Because Washington passed gay marriage today I threw my human wife in the garbage, fucked 2 donkeys & married a rotisserie chicken."

"Me: [crouching next to my friend] man, some of these guys take paintball so seriously Log We Are Hiding Behind: freeze"

"what do you call chicken shawarma wrapped in a tortilla? A mosqueito."

"This bottle of OxyClean says ""GREAT ON WINE AND TOMATO SAUCE"". Call me crazy, but I think they're trying to poison Italians?"

"We need to protect this country! The U.S. needs to stop these Chinese terrorists from crossing the border and spreading Ebola!"

"[first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)"

"My daughter wrote ""Daddy is the best"" in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She'll make some lucky guy miserable one day."

"What's worse than finding a dead baby in the garbage can? Finding a dead baby in the recycle bin."

"That's a lot of votes Donald Would be a shame if someone deleted them..."