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Joke of the Day

"Last year I ate out alone on Valentine's Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over."

"Saying that there is a huge-ass line at Wal-Mart is both ambiguous and redundant."

"Everyone wears the left shoe last, Don't believe it? Proof: when we wear 1 shoe, the other one is left!"

"Why is it so hard to pull over on the Pirate Highway? Because there's a parrot on the shoulder."

"Monday mornings are spent avoiding people who might ask about my weekend."

"*goes in fridge; makes sandwich* *grabs beer* *sits on couch; turns on TV* Him: Ma'am, this is an open house Me: I need the full experience"

"Did you hear about the toilet at The Duggars' house? 19 poops and counting!"

"Do you know why the snowman is smiling? He heard the snowblower was coming."

"What was the last thing that the homeless man heard before becoming a giant? Go big or go home"

"One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are."