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Joke of the Day

"Monday mornings are spent avoiding people who might ask about my weekend."

"I drank way too much yesterday and took the fattest girl home. I ended up hammered and waisted."

"A farmer is a man outstanding in his field."

"When I die, I want to go like my grandpa..... Peacefully in my sleep, unlike them whinny kids screaming as the bus went off the cliff."

"I got caught torrenting ""Free Fallin"", ""American Girl"", and ""Wildflowers"" They charged me with first degree Petty Theft."

"Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z"

"They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too."

"I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea... ""Butt wait, there's more!"""

"What did the grape say when he was caught in bed with another fruit? ""It was just a momentary lapse of raisin!"""

"Invention Idea: An alarm clock that keeps screaming ""WHAT TEAM?!"" and the only way to turn it off is to scream ""WILDCATS!!!"" in response"