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Joke of the Day

"*goes in fridge; makes sandwich* *grabs beer* *sits on couch; turns on TV* Him: Ma'am, this is an open house Me: I need the full experience"

"I found this joke today HAHA APRIL FOOLS BITCHES"

"Cinderella walks into a bar... ""I'd like a glass of shoes, please"""

"I just watched the girl next to me google ""lack toast and tolerant symptoms"" Symptoms: you have no toast but it's totally tolerable."

"Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad"

"After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like."

"I bought a thesaurus at a store today. Brought it home to find all the pages were blank... I have no words to describe how angry I am"

"A mushroom walks into a bar... Bartender says ""we don't serve your kind here!!"" Mushroom says ""why not?!? I'm a fungi!"""

"Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl"

"One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food... Now, I can't find anything to eat in the fridge."