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Joke of the Day

"*goes in fridge; makes sandwich* *grabs beer* *sits on couch; turns on TV* Him: Ma'am, this is an open house Me: I need the full experience"

"My irony detector is defective. It detects everything except irony."

"My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don't need Twitter because I will never stop laughing"

"Exercise never hurt anyone... ... unless you run marathons. (Braces for downvotes)"

"Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you've had enough to eat. Date your grandma"

"What do you call an Italian man with Parkinson's? A stutterer."

"A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. ""Read it?"" he says, ""I *know* the guy!"""

"What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-antdead-antdead-ant"

"What do you get when you combine mayonnaise and bologne? Bolognese sauce"

"I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree."