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Joke of the Day

"Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he started it. Trying to get into small pants."

"Why wasn't Sarah Jessica Parker cast in ""Seabiscuit""? I don't think she auditioned for the movie, or was even considered for it. And she was busy with ""Sex and the City"" anyway."

"I am a simple man with simple jokes. A tumblrite came up to me and told me I needed to respect her being a pansexual. I said ""why do you want to fuck bread? You'll get a yeast infection."""

"What do you call an amphibian in hiding? Incognitoad."

"I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted."

"All the single ladies put your hands up! *handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff* I'm your only option now."

"When an intoxicated person is blabbering, 60% of whatever he/she says is true."

"Think about how much women could accomplish if they didn't spend half the day taking pictures of themselves in bathroom mirrors."

"[running away from killer] KILLER: YOU'RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I'LL GET U ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"What do you call a cow with no hind legs? an utter drag"