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Joke of the Day

"4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?"

"Optimists see a glass that's half full Pessimists see a glass that's half empty Engineers see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be"

"Why ""hooters""? Who decided breasts looked like owls? They were wrong."

"MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Bleecker St. You insisted you weren't choking and put up a good fight."

"I'm thinking of something really stupid to tweet -all of us all the time"

"Just when I think I'm 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots."

"What does an Asian prostitute say to asbestos workers? Meso horny."

"Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He's not gay anymore. HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. He totally threw up."

"HEY. Our ancestors didn't eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary."

"Who is the poorest in England? The Tooth Fairy!"