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Joke of the Day

"How many sound guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, two... One, two."

"I was sitting across the bus today from a very sexy Thai girl...and I kept saying to myself ""Don't get an erection , Don't get an erection""....But she did"

"Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other ""Pass the soap."" The other says. ""Ice cream doesn't have bones."""

"Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says ""For the orphans"" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered."

"How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1... or 2?? Or 1? Or 2?"

"If I had any self control I'd probably eat that too."

"Got a text from my girlfriend, thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what ternative' means?"

"Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn't make the cut."

"Me: How was your first day of school? 5-year-old: Long. Me: I'm sure tomorrow will be better. 5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?"

"I want to become a waiter so I can hear a lot of people say ""Ish reaahy ghuud."""