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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old: Why are we here? Me: Philosophers still don't know 5: No, why are we HERE Wife: Your dad is lost and won't ask for directions"

"What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights? A chicken"

"I bet Taylor Swift still believes in Santa Claus."

"Politicians only kiss babies because it might be theirs."

"I used to think I was schizophrenic. But then the voices in my head said I was fine."

"Your mother's so fat... she listens to Jimmy Buffet."

"I think the problem is that I'm 20% stud and 80% muffin."

"Following in David Bowies footprints.... Well, David Bowie the gender bender is no longer alive on this earth - OK Caitlyn, it's your turn!"

"On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance."

"If you tell me to ""chillax,"" I will ""chillstab"" you and ""chillaugh"" while you bleed to ""chilldeath."""