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Joke of the Day

"Dating tip: Don't do it, a disturbingly high percentage of people are actually flesh eating insects in human suits. Just stay home instead."

"My parents were nihilists, but I knew they loved me... ...Because when they died, they left me nothing."

"What about breakfast teaches us the difference between ""interested"" and ""committed""? In a ham and egg sandwich, the chicken had an interest, but the pig is committed."

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care!"

"You know when you read a page of a book and then realize you didn't absorb any of it? I think I did that with my life."

"I'm responsible for the deaths of 100's local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!"

"The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It's only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now."

"Love is like Wi-Fi You can't see it, but you'll know when you lose it."

"I was talking to a nice young women last night, she asked me if I like breast or legs. I told her what I really like is a nice shaved snatch. Apparently I'm not allowed in KFC anymore."

"I once dated a model, but I always preferred the earlier versions. This particular one was not very user-friendly, she was high-maintenance and my friends would always borrow her for personal use."