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Joke of the Day

"My parents were nihilists, but I knew they loved me... ...Because when they died, they left me nothing."

"I wrote ""except zombies"" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse."

"That which does not kill me... should run."

"You've been robbed by *360 spin* A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*"

"If at first you don't succeed.. .. skydiving probably isn't for you anyway."

"What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish."

"Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation ...."

"Time flies like an arrow.. Fruit flies like a bananna"

"Three of five fingers were willing to cooperate but the thumb and forefinger were opposed!"

"Why did the Libertarian cross the road? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! AM I BEING DETAINED?"