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Joke of the Day

"Currently using my daughter's iTouch to read your tweets. Also, reading her emails and writing shit on her Facebook page."

"What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty? Faith lifts"

"mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language."

"There are two kinds of people in this world... Those that can extrapolate from an incomplete statement,"

"I bet in Somalia a kid has been like ""I'm so hungry!"" and another's like ""Third world problem!"" and they both laugh and die and stuff."

"One time I walked in on my brother, masturbating. We locked eyes for what felt like forever. Then he yelled, ""Why the hell are you masturbating!?"""

"How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb? One but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room."

"Why don't you stamp e-mails? Because your foot would go right through the computer screen!"

"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? ""Where's my tractor?"""

"Boss: Why weren't you at work last week? Me: Why are you living in the past?"