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Joke of the Day

"What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol? La chaim-lich maneuver."

"Which side of the plate does the phone go on?"

"Under what circumstance is mass a unit of time? Church"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes."

"So I finally got around to watching the Twin Tower attacks. 9/11 would watch again."

"When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they'll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines"

"Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation? Me: *puts cat on the phone* [20 mins later] Travel Agent: I've got you booked for Maui"

"What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine."

"Why did the witch lose her way? Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction."

"Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a ""holiday"" on Hitler's Birthday. Merica."