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Joke of the Day

"If I was a germ, I'd probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill."

"What do you call a group of squids? a *squad*"

"I have a crippling fear of Santa Apparently I'm Claustrophobic."

"I would like to be Santa Claus He knows where all the naughty girls live."

"Beer:""You know what would be funny?"" Me:""No. What?"" Beer:""Really? Finish me and have four more then I'll ask again."" Me:""Yes, sir."""

"For Christmas, every year, I get my wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself."

"I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, ""No thanks, I'm already married."""

"*Scrawls ""HELP ME, MY PARENTS ARE VEGANS!"" on gas station restroom mirror*"

"I call my weed the Quran... Because burning that shit will get you stoned"

"Did you know that when a woman wears a bikini, 90% of the body is exposed? But men are so classy that they only stare at the 10% that's covered"