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Joke of the Day

"How long should you microwave fish for? Tuna half minutes."

"*puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*"

"Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE? One's mad cow disease the other's an agricultural problem."

"There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver."

"What does a bodybuilder do while waiting in a long line? Weights"

"I was dating a midget but I had to break up with her. She never really grew on me."

"*smashes car through your living room* Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?"

"It's nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant."

"What is the rapper's favorite bread? 2 Grainz"

"Your mama is so ugly that... when she has sexual relations with an animal, it's not beastiality, it's animal cruelty."