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Joke of the Day

"*smashes car through your living room* Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?"

"It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!"

"My ex wives were all good housekeepers.. ..When they left, they kept the house."

"*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?"

"My friend's Italian mom recently broke her collarbone skiing, and has very limited movement in her left arm. She says the main problem is the speech impediment."

"Women.... Women are like condoms, they spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick."

"""It takes 2 to tangle."" - iPod ear buds."

"I was once kicked out of fat camp for being a little debbie downer."

"Choose your own adventure: S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P Dad sees a soda? Moving a couch for dad? Obese girl with a vision problem?"

"""There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."""