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Joke of the Day

"I'm glad I'm not invited to Joan Rivers' funeral. She might be cremated and I hate the smell of burning plastic. Too soon?"

"I went to the doctor today and he told me I have a big dick and a small heart... He also told me I was dyslexic."

"This fortune cookie I just had said 'Off yourself' & my lucky numbers on the back was the phone number to a local gun shop."

"Where did the burgers go after their wedding? On a bun-eymoon!"

"What do you call it when water is poured over a clock? Time dilution."

"I need new jokes to write in people's birthday cards. The one I've been using for years is getting pretty stale: ""Happy Bird Day!"" Then I draw a bird. Thanks /r/jokes!"

"What's the difference between spinach and sodomy? None really. You can add as much butter as you want, kids just won't enjoy them."

"Who created the first diswasher? God, and her name was Eve."

"Q. How do you drown a blonde? A1. Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2. Stick a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool."

"Why you should wash your car? WASH YOUR CAR BECAUSE IT IS DIRTIER THAN MILEY CYRUS!"