56550

Joke of the Day

"*Putting ikea furniture together* Her: ummm, it's supposed to be a dresser Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA"

"I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet."

"It'd be funny if everyone told their kids Steve Buscemi is the tooth fairy."

"News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though."

"I'd rather have my eyelashes ripped out one at a time by poisonous crabs than watch a show where the voices didnt match the mouth movements"

"Progeria jokes get old real quick."

"Why do Brides wear white? To match the rest of the household appliances."

"What kind of bathroom does Napoleon use? A Waterloo"

"I don't know why people get so upset about the death penalty It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, after all."

"This woman at work sounds just like me. I'm going to pay her to call my Mom and occasionally say mmhmm and how nice."