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Joke of the Day

"*Putting ikea furniture together* Her: ummm, it's supposed to be a dresser Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA"

"Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster Therapist: go on Me: oh so you're taking her side now"

"Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork."

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and maybe Prince Charming just doesn't like whiny bitches?"

"[x-ray] DOCTOR: wow ME: what DOCTOR: I don't know, there's a bunch of- ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what"

"Hey guys I need some help. My assignment's asking how would humans function without their brain. I can't think of anything..."

"A photon walks through a bar"

"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He heard they had a tight seal"

"ME: Who is your favourite philosopher? PROFESSOR: It's Hume. ME: Sorry - whom is your favourite philosopher?"

"Why is it so hard to breakup with Japanese girls? You have to drop the bomb twice"