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Joke of the Day

"If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on. In related news, I just broke up with my mom"

"I was disappointed to find out my countertops were linoleum. I guess i took them for granite"

"Somebody broke into my house yesterday, and stole all my lamps. I was delighted."

"""I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down"" ~Bowling pins"

"The good thing about having a lot of followers is that for every thousand there's about one who actually reads your tweets."

"If I ever die, I'm going to be so mad about all the times I ate kale."

"I'm scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing."

"Waiter there's a fly in my soup! Keep it down sir or they'll all be wanting one."

"How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but you need a fairly big lightbulb."

"Who won the Monster Beauty Contest? No one."