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Joke of the Day

"Somebody was trying to break into my house last night, so I rang the police... But Sting said he was busy and suggested I ring the actual police."

"I dream of the day when automatic paper towel dispensers finally realize the human hand isn't 3 inches long."

"What does Charlie Sheen say when he's having sex with a Vietnamese Lady? Nguyenning!"

"I got kicked out of the army yesterday. They called it a dishonorable discharge.... ....i call it jizzing over the generals face whilst he was asleep."

"According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago."

"BREAKING NEWS Paula Deen's snack mix now contains ""Brazil Nuts"""

"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. -Tim Vine"

"People are generally unhappy until they get what they want, then the cycle starts all over again."

"My mom took my child into a store and left me in line to wait for Santa by myself, so now I look like a narcissistic creeper-thanks mom."

"Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death."