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Joke of the Day

"Apparently googling ""how to get suspended with pay"" from my work computer is frowned on by my employer."

"[spooky noise comes from my closet] monster under my bed: you heard that too right"

"I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled ""the meaning of dreams""."

"My family made a pact that I'm the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I'll slow them down. That's my workout motivation."

"Why did Cersei Lannister sent princess Myrcella to Dorne? She knew her family history a little too well. Myrcella had two brothers."

"Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse's mistakes WILL shorten it..."

"My wife just got an IUD. She says her period will only last about a day now. I said, ""there's gotta be strings attached."""

"If someone could find a way to make all pets live as long as humans that person would win all the Nobel prizes until the end of time."

"Time zones are amazing, it's a different time all around the world. For example, in some parts of the U.S. it's still 1950."

"I asked my immigrant Asian parents if they knew what Roe v. Wade was. ""Umm... the decision we had to make when we came to this country?"""