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Joke of the Day

"Just got out of heart surgery with a surgeon who had tremors. I'm quite shaken up about it. Sorry if this is a repost."

"How do narcissists remember everything? ...They have a photogenic memory."

"I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by."

"*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?"

"What does a Boston terrier sound like? Bahk bahk. Wicked bahk."

"when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent"

"Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still..."

"More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up."

"How to you know that cows will be in heaven? It's a place of udder delight."

"yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there's a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you'll wake him up"