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Joke of the Day

"Kids are like farts. You can just about stand your own."

"*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter* Her: Did you want to buy that? Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while."

"Commitment doesn't mean sticking to one person forever, it means keeping a relationship with someone even though you have lots of options."

"if squids were land animals sometimes you'd be walking along and you'd look up and BAM squid in a tree"

"What type of animal browses Reddit? Karma-vore"

"I went to the Doctor for a checkup, and he started shoving toy horses up my ass He looked up and told me my condition was 'stable'"

"what did the homeless man get for christmas? hypothermia"

"What's the difference between a corn husker with tourettes, and a prostitute with diarrhea? One fits before they shuck, the other shits before they fuck."

"My wife bought me a second hand watch for my birthday... Anyway, better be going. The football starts in... 1200 seconds."

"What do you call an outdated joke that, while sharp, has little potential for laughs? I used to know, but then I took an arrow to the knee"