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Joke of the Day

"Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it."

"With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy."

"What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits until its 12 before it comes on your face"

"Why are lions more religious than other animals? They prey regularly."

"My girlfriend asked me to send her a dick pic. But my panorama app kept crashing."

"[at interview] INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you? ME: Peter Piper. INTERVIEWER: What does he do? ME: It's difficult to say."

"Don't do drugs, kids. The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us."

"Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP* Boss: WTH?! Me: It's Natl Bully Month Boss: No, it's Natl Bully PREVENTION Month! Me: well this is awkward"

"Woman 1 - Your husband now comes home early. How has this happened? Woman 2 - I've simply told him sex will start exactly at 9 PM, with or without him."

"There are two types of people on Twitter. Those who can take a joke, and those who will copy it and claim it as their own"