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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT"

"Last Christmas I got a sweater, For this Christmas I want a moaner or a screamer."

"TEAM DEATHMATCH Comment if you understand the reference."

"I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded."

"What's the only thing Gary the gay geneticist loves more than he loves his boyfriend, Bill? Designer jeans."

"A Jewish boy asks his dad for 50 dollars... His dad says, ""40 dollars?! What do you need 30 dollars for?!!"""

"Studying abroad: Spending months in another country. Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley."

"I picked my nose in traffic today. Secretly hoping a tweeter who had run out of joke material saw me. You've gotta give to get, people."

"It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers... often open with ""sorry for the weight""."

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."