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Joke of the Day

"I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded."

"I really need to get rid of this heavy copy of ""Farenheit 451""... Could someone lend me a lighter? Edit: FAHRENHEIT DAMN IT"

"The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance's baby is doing all day everyday day."

"Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor"

"Did you hear about the dislexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog."

"Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you're high, you won't buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though."

"How does a mathematician ask for money? Give me 10! dollars"

"I'm shit at remembering names. But isn't every Tom, Rick, and Larry"

"My stoner neighbors got divorced but it's okay because they got joint custody"

"My ex still misses me... Yesterday I narrowly dodged a .22 round discharged at long range."