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Joke of the Day

"This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry."

"Came up with this one today How do the Russians invade the Ukraine? They rush in."

"Sometimes I feel like I've traveled back in time, and that I'm not supposed to do anything that screws up a future that I've forgotten."

"Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes? Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue. Me: No wonder nobody's ever told you..."

"Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here."

"Is that dress white and gold or black and blue? Either way, it's refressing seeing a debate about color in America that wasn't started by a cop killing someone. @NatBaimel"

"What did the mushroom put in his bio for the online dating service? Im a fungi"

"I rang up a pizza shop and asked ""do you deliver?"" they repiled ""no we do pizza""."

"One day I'm gonna go to work without my glasses and they're gonna be like, ""Who's that hottie?"" and I'm gonna be like, ""WHO IS SAYING THAT?"""

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it."