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Joke of the Day

"Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs."

"What did Marvin Gaye's dad say to him on his birthday? Son, if this is another tie, I'm gonna kill you."

"I would do unspeakable things for a sandwich right now, like actually get up & make one."

"*runs into dental hygienist in store* Me: How are you? Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth* Me: Not so easy huh"

"WIFE: can you preheat the oven? ME: you mean heat it WIFE: not this again ME: it can't be heated before it's heated. don't give me that look"

"A man came into the emergency room with six plastic toy horses in his ass... The doctors say his condition is stable."

"Apple: Words with Friends Twitter: Words w strangers FB: Words w relatives Ouija: Words w dead friends Prayer: Words w imaginary friends"

"I walked up to a girl and said, ""If you were a drug, I would overdose!"" She said, ""Thanks."" I said, ""Then you wouldn't be able to ruin my life any more."""

"Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status..."

"When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them."