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Joke of the Day

"""You have to be pretty bad at math to use a calculator to check 3rd grade homework."" -My smartass kid to me just now."

"When she screams ""deeper!""... ...but you already have a degree in philosophy."

"'sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.' what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?"

"I was invited to an event that requires causal dress. Should I wear a time machine or a syllogism print?"

"Why do people say ""Be there or be square""? Because if you're not there, then you're not around."

"[At work] ""guys check this out"" [Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air] ""Holy shit help"""

"Doctor: i'd like you to step on the scale. Me: You first, pal."

"A lot of people seem to fuss about adding and removing an hour from the day. I think it's just a minute difference."

"The best thing about adolescent humor... is that it never gets old!"

"What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go E we go!"