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Joke of the Day

"ME: Hey they're playing our song. HER: This isn't our song. ME: [turning up ""Go Your Own Way""] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce."

"Why did the farmer fail to bring in the whole harvest before winter frost? He got lost in the maize."

"If I'm ever on life support, I want to be unplugged. And then plugged back in to see if that helps"

"""Please stand for the Paralympic anthem."""

"Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I'll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too."

"Never give a baby alcohol unless you want him to go on and on about, ""the blacks."" Racist fucking babies."

"Someone just corrected my ""good morning"" with a ""good afternoon"" so I said, ""go to hell you clock watching motherfucker""."

"What did the timid porn star say to the talking cat? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOONG JOHNSON!!!!"

"How can you tell Cap'n Crunch is terrible? He hasn't been promoted since 1963..."

"How do Germans tie their shoes? In little Nazis"