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Joke of the Day

"Interviewer: ""What's your greatest accomplishment?"" Me: ""I was in a lot of people's MySpace Top 8s back in 2004."""

"The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait."

"Went out for drinks with my tinder date... She ordered the angel shot with lime :("

"Dont be afraid of change, its inevitable. Unless youre homeless. Then you might have to go around asking for it. By the way, I dont have any"

"I bet my friend $1000 I'd never take it in the butt. He says I am just a sore loser."

"There are two things i hate a lot 1. Lists 2. Irony"

"Just turned my welcome mat into an unwelcome mat by spray painting ""CANCER"" across it"

"My favorite Jobs: 1. Blow 2. Steve"

"Mirror mirror on the wall. Forget the fairest. Who would you fuck?"

"(fully aware that i am always more tired after a nap than i was before) this time will be different"